September 2007
57 posts
id rather not be indian, id rather be mario!
Tourist: Is this the 1:13 to Trenton?
Suit: No.
Tourist: Oh, well, where is that?
Suit: Are you just, like, picking track numbers and hoping for the best? Go read the screen, you dumbass.
Tourist: You don't have to be rude.
Suit: You don't have to be stupid.
Marcel Marceau dead.
After all those years miming it, he's now genuinely trapped in a small box.
14-year-old girl: How long does Accutane take to work?
Dermatologist: Before you know it, you'll be so beautiful you'll be beating off all the guys.
PTW: What's in button 10?
RM: Dot Arrrrrrd!
PTW: Larry's over there talking about having too many pigeons and not enough holes to stuff them into!
RM: I'm accidentally hardcore!
LM: I should quit and become a Disney character!
Fat People Actually *Block* The Sun, Sis
Sister (txt message): God i love when u see ppl from highschool and they’re fat lol or fatter it just makes ur day a little sunnier
Sister (about racing cars): I feel like they should just catch on fire!
Josh's iTunes Album Art Grabber →
This will query the iTunes music store and give you a link to a high-quality JPG of the album cover art.
Freshman #1: Oh, look, there's Joe*. Does he still do cocaine?
Freshman #2, whispering: Well, no. But now he lives on caffeine pills... [Then, more dramatically] And Mountain Dew.
Freshman #1, gasping: Oh my god!
Middle-aged man: Sorry, I thought you'd like it.
Middle-aged woman: Well, it hurt.
Boyfriend: So you went home, drank two Smirnoff Ices, watched Harry Potter one and a half times, and masturbated twice?
Girlfriend: Yep.
“Every time I walk by a cop whose gun is left exposed, I itch to grab it…...”
– Me (still alive to itch about it)
To Counteract The Sunshine
Normally I only jot down scenes to stories that I think would make excellent starts. In this case, I am recording a scene that occurs in the middle of a story. How do I come up with a scene for the middle of the story, knowing nothing of each character’s back story, motivations, or anything at all, really? Fuck off. Read it, it’s good for you. This scene flashed through my head as...
Professor: ... Immanuel Kant.
Girl #1: What's that guy's name? Cunt?
Girl #2: Kant.
Girl #1: Cunt?
Girl #2: Kant.
Girl #1: Cunt?
Black guy: So, where you at these days?
Black chick: Newark -- where all the shootin' at.
“Adolescence is always a time of hysteria and Britney Spears is a part of...”
– Stuart Fischoff, senior editor of the Journal of Media Psychology
If He Doesn't Outsmart Me First!
CO: You gonna outsmart a bunny?
RM: If it's a guy, it's a very feminine looking guy.
J2J (popping up from cube, interested): It's a what?
Butter Pretzels and Nipples
I’ve lost an entire tub/jar/bottle/can/thingy of butter pretzels from Cabela’s and I can’t fucking find it! I am praying it’s not lodged in my clothing…well… mountain. I’ll still eat them, but I will forever associate pretzels with the smell of socks and wet Rob (which incidentally probably smells something like cinnamon/butter pretzels themselves! I...
“I wrenched DOG backwards to find GOD; now GOD barks.”
– The Book of Lies, Aleister Crowley
Squirrely Wrath
JC: i think i'm still ok, i think this is at the point where i can still function and be productive, the squirrels aren't taking over, the beauty of sleep is that it keeps the squirrels at bay and allows caffeine to motivate and energize me
RM: do you realize that you just defined sleep as a shield that fights against the evil squirrels?
Protein Shakes. No... Not Those Kind.
Sitting at my computer and staring off into space as I am wont to do, I realized that I have had a full container of protein powder for the last 2 years. I never did get around to actually doing enough of anything to justify using it. I used to get a kick out of how lethargic it made me though. It’s like you swallowed half a dozen cow testicles (clearly those are heavy… I mean, you...
Naming Conventions and Bloody Steel
I renamed the site to “Annals of Babylon” because I felt it better described the utter chaos/wtf-edness of the future posts I had planned. Most of my day has been spent playing on the Wii. There is a part of me (the good part of me) that doesn’t think I’m a lazy sack of shit for spending hours upon hours playing Zelda. I’d like to give a hearty...
“This place rings with echoes of Lives once lived but now are lost Time spent wondering about tomorrow I don’t care if we lose it all tonight Up in flames, burning bright Warming the air of the world” —Rise Against, “Blood to Bleed”
“If you must mount the gallows, give a jest to the crowd, a coin to the hangman,...”
– The Fires of Heaven
Girl #1: So, now I'm going to need a new roommate, I think.
Girl #2: Wait... Let me get this straight -- you walk in, she's on the bed, nude, rolling around on a bunch of pearls?
Girl #1: Yeah. Our jewelry had just arrived from ShangBy, and I guess she got excited... Want a pearl necklace?
jeez
sauron couldve got the one ring on ebay for £4.99
oh wait
excludes delivery to mordor
one does not simply deliver to mordor